What am I to do? I can barely think from one moment to the next ... the children are distraught but I don't know what to tell them. We just cling to each other. The funeral will be tomorrow. How do I explain to them that their fatherHarvest 25: My life is over. Tirnan is dead.
Harvest 26: How can this have happened? It makes no sense. I don't know how to make any sense at all of life without him. It seems impossible that he is gone. Lord Finster was here today -- he says that all the witnesses claim that he drew first. But how can that be? He didn't have a temper. What could this -- this creature Montmorency have said to him? I asked Llewelyn if there might have been magic involved, but he can only shrug.
What am I to do? I can barely think from one moment to the next ... the children are distraught but I don't know what to tell them. We just cling to each other. The funeral will be tomorrow. How do I explain to them that their father
Harvest 27: No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no!!!!! I cannot bear it! Nandos wants to steal my children! He took them from my side at the service, right into his carriage, and then barred me from following. He glared at me as if I were to blame for everything ... he had his guards push me back as if I were some common beggar. And all of these so-called friends of ours just stood there and watched as I screamed and pleaded with him. It all seems so unreal. The only one who stood up for me at all was some outlandish black aseku sailor....
I can't believe this is happening to me -- I keep wanting to turn to him and bury myself in his arms, and every time it strikes me harder that he's not here. And now my children too? What did I do to deserve this? I've tried so hard to fit in, to never disgrace them, to be polite even when they were tearing my very heart out.... How can they take everything away from me? If only he were here, he would shout the old man down -- but if he were here, none of this would be happening. Damn you, Montmorency!! Damn you and every man, woman, and child that carries your foul bloodline. I hope you feel this emptiness in you every moment of the day, ten, twenty, a hundred times over! My life is over because of you.
This house feels so empty without you, Tirnan. What can I do? It hurts so much. Everything we built together is here. Our library, our garden ... every tapestry reminds me of you, every piece of silver, every notch on the newel post where you hang your sword. I would give anything to have you back. I wouldn't care if we were the poorest shepherds in Cherient. Tirnan, Tirnan, Tirnan, come back to me....
Harvest 28: I don't know how to fight him. His cruelty seems to be unending. Your father is a cold, cold man, Tirnan. Our children need me, and he will n ot let me see them. Not now, not ever. I'm forbidden to even go near his precious estate, on pain of arrest. He has orphaned our babies! Now, when they need me most, they are sealed off behind walls and gates and armed guards ... and to think, I found the place beautiful once. What are my little ones going to do? Who can they turn to? Some nurse? Their spiteful aunts? "Grandfather Lord Nandos"?
He won't let me see them even for a moment, to reassure them or to explain. Dear little Malachi -- he was so lost, but so determined to be strong. His eyes were so wide when the guards brought us the news. I think he's the only one who really understands. And he wouldn't let me see him cry; he hid everything under his pillow that night, but I cried again myself, listening to the sobs that racked him. Who listens to him now? Will they know how important it is to him to do his crying alone, and will they let him be until he comes looking for help?
And Olivar, my quiet one ... hadn't said a word to anyone since their first bewildered questions ... just held onto my hand and wouldn't let go. He would barely let me dress him for the funeral, and I know he hadn't slept. He holds so much hurt inside -- he was always like me that way, Tirnan, you always said so. How did he end up holding Nandos' hand?
And who is holding my baby Gaetano? Who is explaining to him why his father and mother have left him? Who bathes him and sings to him and tells him stories about snowflakes and butterflies? Who will take a light into every corner of his room before bedtime to chase all the shadows away?
Harvest 30: I think I have ceased to feel anything at all. I have just been served with a writ informing me that I have been the subject of an extraordinarily speedy rite exheres. Everything our marriage entitled me to, except for the name, has been stripped from me. He has taken away my home. I am given three hours to retrieve everything I want from the place.
Oh, Tirnan ... there was so much I had to leave behind, so much that will mean nothing to anyone but you and I. Our whole life together is gone. I know him, he will sell everything, and tear up the gardens, and paper over everything else, and rent the place out to a stranger just to eliminate the stench of the common girl who soiled his nest....
I am left with virtually nothing. I've come back here to my father's shop, and everything seems eerily like a waking dream. It's as if I never met you, as if I had never left home. Ten years of my life that never happened, three children that never were ... I hear my brother laughing with his sons down in the workshop, and it seems like noises from another world. I can only sit here by the fire. I know time is passing, I know my father speaks to me. My mother brings me dinner. She takes the tray away. I don't remember eating. Are you here, Tirnan, in this book somewhere? Do you hear me? Among all the shadows, only this, a green book, a black quill.... Too many empty pages, days, years without you.... I can't do it alone.
Harvest 31: Llewelyn came by today. I don't remember what he said. A few others. I don't remember.
Harvest 32: Tirnan ... please come home.
Please please please please please please please....
Harvest 35: Wraithwalk. Will you be here tonight, my love? Will you come for me?
Dark today, even at noon ... shadows everywhere. My family tiptoes around me. They close the shutters, seal the flue, cover all the windows in black. Do they fear you so? I don't. I know I will see you again. It's enough. They are afraid to talk to me. They wonder what I see in the candle flame, in the darkness of the window. Tim-cat won't even come near me. I wonder ... perhaps I am already close to you. Maybe I have even started the journey, can be with you tonight. I hear voices on the wind, even before dusk. I listen for you....
Sing to me sweet, my sweet, my love;
I'm waiting for you.
My brothers are here, Alesandro, Gianni, Nico ... they are too noisy. Giano was always the noisy one ... sister Misia has brought her husband the bard. He sings like a rooster, proud and loud and none too musical. All I want is to be left alone. They keep trying to feed me food I do not want, company I will not keep. They won't let me go to my bed...
Fading 1: I wonder how long it's been since I actually tasted my breakfast? This morning's blueberries are bittersweet, but at least they are real.
I'm sorry, Tirnan. I'm still not sure whether to thank you or curse you for turning me back to the living world. All I know is that I can see clearly again, the world moves forward again÷and you're still not here to share it with me. It still hurts me in ways I can't even begin to fathom. The whole life we had imagined for ourselves is still too real for me. At least we have finally said goodbye ... but why do you say you won't come back to me again? The rest of the year might be bearable if I knew I could see you that one night. Why do you refuse me this? What's the use in asking, when I know you will never speak to me again? One night is not enough to make up for a lifetime of loss...
But you were right about one thing: I cannot let go yet, or drown in my own pain. Our children need me, and I will have them back. Your father may think he has the right of it, but you and I will fight him on this. The question is how? He has all the political power, and the letter of the law, at least, is on his side. I will have to study the laws of inheritance more closely÷I'm sure they were never intended to create such a travesty of justice.
And if that won't work, there may be other, slower ways to get back at him. I will learn this city inside and out, upper crust to lower class, to find whatever leverage I may to sway him. You and I were not so unpopular that he can disown me entirely; if I can increase my own reputation by any means÷even if it means swining my sword in the city's service÷then I can make it suicide for him to challenge me. It will be a very delicate game, though. Any misstep could destroy my good name. I know you will watch over me; I only wish you could guide me the way you used to, stilling my words before I could make a fatal mistake. I will have to learn the steps to this dance alone, I suppose.
Fading 2: Guess what? That old mercenary captain, Brumar, came to the shop today. I was downstairs helping in the back the way I used to, and I heard that unmistakable voice of his. We talked for almost two hours, and he thinks it's not so crazy after all, to consider joining a mercenary group (unofficially, perhaps). Some of them become quite well-noted in the city, and it might give me access to things I wouldn't otherwise see. I will have to do more research; Brumar has agreed to meet this afternoon with my brother and I at the Gryphon's Egg Tavern to discuss my options.
Evening - Well, that certainly went better than expected! Brumar is a gruff man, but a perfect gentleman, and he told me dozens of things I didn't know before about the city and the way these "adventurers" can earn their way. I'm not certain this is the answer, but it's something I can't afford to overlook. We went for a long walk around the better parts of the city (I wore a veil so none would know me), and he showed me several places where such people congregate. I'm not so sure I'm bold enough yet to just approach someone, but at least now I'm not going into this blindly.
Fading 3: Cloudy today. I spoke to Llewelyn again; he is still working on finding out more about this Montmorency character, and I hope to get a report from him soon. Then perhaps I will actually be able to DO something about your death, instead of just getting through day by day. No one else seems to be interested in pursuing the reasons behind all this; they simply accept that you drew your weapon for no reason and were killed accidentally. I don't understand÷at the very least, I would think your father would be pursuing this; you were everything to him.
I don't know. For all I know he does have people out looking, but who knows whether he would pass any information he receives on to me? I will just have to trust Llewelyn to find out what he can, and to let me know if there are other investigators doing the same work.
I went and wandered around the markets today, for the first time since all this began. It was so odd; I kept seeing things that you would have liked. I even almost bought a little owl for your collection. I can't decide if that's morbid or irrational ... but I almost wish I hadn't passed on it.
Fading 4: It was overcast again. I didn't get much accomplished. It is far too easy to just fall into a daze and while away a whole afternoon÷I have to keep moving. I finally pulled myself together, and Nicolai and I joined Brumar for dinner at the Blackbriar. We had another long, fascinating talk. Nico, unfortunately, was less than interested and got drunk waiting for us, and I had to call a coach to get us home. I sometimes despair that Nico is ever going to grow up÷he can be so wild sometimes! At least I got him into his bed without waking Mama up; she would have been breathing fire on him for a week!
