Strange. If I had one wish now I know what it would be, no matter the cost.

Somehow I doubt I've become who she would have wanted.

So we're on the road today. I need little enough sleep, but I doubt I got more than an hour or so. Nightmares I can't describe.

Difficult to concentrate - I need to talk to Mikhael, but I can't ... I can't even think of where to begin.

"Stella" is traveling as a human male, plain and unremarkable. She looks so much like mother/like me. She's very good at disguising herself, though. Something to keep in mind.

I have to get her again soon, just to reassure myself that it really happened.

Four days away from the dwarves now, and it evidently really happened. Same room, though this time I was able to determine that it's made of sandstone, small, and has a cot in it. Daniel and Cassia are deep in discussion over something. Maybe now's the time to talk to Mikhael.

Later-

Mikhael's willing to help - we're going to discuss with the group going to "Stella" and asking why she's hunting me, then proceeding from there.

He kept trying to reassure me that this is a good thing, that we'll just go rescue her. I wish I had his confidence. But it is a good thing she's alive.

He just came by and muttered something about Callous, and handed me a draft of a letter he's thinking of sending "Stella" after we talk to her and get an idea of whether she's friend or foe - a letter of introduction and one of protection, so she is unmolested upon her entry into Glenzor. Tempting as the idea of teleporting to her and traveling with her (if she's not an enemy) so she's directly under our protection/eye is, Mik's right. We'd never make it back to Glenzor in time for our reassignment if we go as a group, and there just isn't any way to be sure one or two of us would be safe if we went out to fetch her (again, assuming she's a "friend," or at least neutral toward us. Horus only knows what the Travelers told her about us. We can only hope her reaction goes no further than suspicion).

Mikhael is almost as protective as I am accused of being, whether he sees it or not. A direct threat to "Stella" in the letter if she intends me/us harm, and a veiled refusal to allow Callous and I to go alone to meet her (since it would be a risk I'm not arguing). I liked the threat in the letter, though, and I'm very glad he's willing to explain the situation to the group for me. He's not as much of a diplomat as he thinks he is sometimes, but he's far more eloquent than I ever dream of being.

"Only for you," he said when he agreed to go off-plane looking for her if that's what it takes. (Though evidently his mother has joined a cult in or near Sigil, so if we do have t leave the plane he's like to check on her as well.) I told him I knew, and that it meant a great deal to me.

I don't know what I've done to deserve his friendship. He is a very good friend, and I ought to tell him so more often. Or find some way to show him, anyway.

So we spoke to "Stella" today. Her name is Luthien Rhilia Gulceleb, daughter of Nevmoriel and some name beginning with "R" that I did not catch.

She says she's been looking for me, that she has been looking for me somewhere between five to ten years, but now she is looking for me to get my help in finding Mother, who was taken by slave raiders about 2 months gone.

We decided teleporting was too much of a risk - I mean, how much of this can I trust? How much is truth? She knows the right names, she knows the right questions to ask, but I assume enough research would tell someone that much...I don't know.

Cassia has gone out to watch her, to follow & protect, if necessary. Mikhael has sent off the letters. And I suppose now we just play the waiting game.

Feb. 18

Late - can't sleep. So much is strange, my whole world is changing, and I don't know how to react.

She is not half but full sister. Mother and Father (apparently) loved each other, but the politics and racial hatreds kept them apart. Strange to imagine a father who cared about me enough to spend a fortune trying to find me.

Mikhael has thoroughly chastised me for not reacting properly, but this is such a shock. I feel gut-struck. Luthien wept - but what do I know of comforting anyone?

Tried to talk to her again, but I feel so tongue-tied. Hopeless.

Feb. 19

Took her around what's left of the city. Not much to show, talked some about the Talnick incident, all of that.

Spoke to Baldarian, he's agreed to take us, let Mikhael know & he's calling the Company together so we can discuss who's willing to go. I'm pleased that Mik's still so willing to help - I doubt Callous will go, but we have to ask.

Later -

All but Callous are willing to go. I'm not certain if I really want Simon along, but I can think of no plausible reason not to bring him along, so that's how it will be.

Mik is so damn smug about forcing me to explain in front of the group.

Early Feb. 20

Tonight we leave. I'm really going to have to watch Simon with Luthien, though. He evidently suggested that she go to SkinEater for transport so she didn't "inconvenience" us. I reassured her (I hope) that this is NOT and inconvenience, warned her indirectly that SkinEater may not be someone she wishes to trust, and ended up talking a bit about how I became a Necromancer.

Funny. I went to the effort of learning magic to get out, and yet it was a dagger and my strength that freed me, rather than a spell.

We're going to meet to talk about Lairunya's and Sindaraen's recent behaviour towards Avitar. Evidently both have insulted him on different occasions, and he's saying that if such behaviour continues he will have to sever all contact with the Scintillating Company.

I don't know what we're going to do about Lairunya, but my vote is that we completely disassociate ourselves from Sindaraen. No sense in allowing him to further ruin our relationships with people.

Later-

Well, Sin's attitude has finally gotten him thrown out of the Company. Why do I have the feeling we've made a bad enemy, or at least that our paths will cross again.

Off to Baldarian's in a couple of hours. And then to the Astral, and then Talangran - Home? I don't remember enough to be sure.

Nefid, day 1

Well. We've arrived in the Golden Stream Valley. And well, it's been an eventful morning.

As we were setting up camp (as Mikhael cast Mordenkainen's) Cassia whapped Simon in the face with her shield. Good hit, too. Would have smashed his nose right into his brain if he hadn't had a Stoneskin.

And part of me watched in shock and horror, and part of me wanted to laugh hysterically.

Duncan panther - leader, had about 15-20 men with him in the raiding party.

Scried, got him. Drinking ale with 5 or 6 men, fighter/thug types and a man with a thin face and very pointed ears, but not an elf. Panther is very non-descript brown/brown 5'10" wearing studded leather.

Mother's in a library where the common language is different. Picked out part of the title of one: "Duran family historical" something. Luthien also does not recognize the name, the style of clothing or any of that, though she thought the silks looked like some sort of pirates'.

Sold to a man named Tess - not human, Nikaal creature name.

Comes from another plane (Athas)

Creature is psionic/was Panther's teacher.

Telepathy, Precognition, Mind Attack & Mind Defense

Traded information for slaves and wine and water and the drug - is a Merchant Trader for house Shoam - sort of a broker of goods.

Panther's last contact with him was about 1 1/2 months ago. Panther cannot contact Tess - he has to wait.

Operates in a place called the Ivory Triangle, evidently a barren place.

I hate trading with these kinds of people. At the very least, I can see that there is one less slaver in the world.

Later - much later, probably about midnight or so.

How did I get so far out of control? It's been a long time, a very long time since the anger has taken me this hard. The old Nick rears his ugly head.

Were it just me, were there no one else around I might have refused the deal, I suppose. I would not have been able to keep my word under any other circumstances than those which Larb was able to create.

But I digress.

I cannot believe that I have sunk so far that when Mikhael suggested I would have to strike him it sounded like a good idea. I don't know what's come over me.

Is he right? Is this rage a shield, a false front I use or am trying to use to push everyone away? It hasn't ever been this bad before - whatever else I may have done to land me on the darker side of morality, I was never a cold-blooded murderer. And yet, that's exactly what I was contemplating becoming.

Mik was right to draw me back, though I was angry at him for doing so at first. Angry enough to strike him - Horus help me. Is that what I wish to become? Already know that I could not go back to that most solitary of lifestyles, so why, if what Mik says is correct, am I trying to drive everyone away? I don't know that I am, exactly, intentionally, anyway. I just...well, when I get that angry I don't think things through. I just stop thinking all together, and I can't react that way. Not right now.

So I have to try to keep in mind that the goal is to rescue Mother, and not to deal with the slavers right now. We will see what comes after we have her safe.

Mikhael wants to know what my relationship with my mother & Luthien is going to be. I don't know - I don't know what Mother's going to think of me. Mikhael rattled off a long list of things the party has done as reasons why Mother should be proud of me, and Luthien should look up to me, but I'm not so sure. I probably wouldn't have even been involved with "saving the city" except that it was a job. And because it was what my companions were doing. Even now, I do what I do because it is what my friends do, not out of some sense of moral duty.

But I can't really say I've ended up working for the side of the Light on accident, can I. Not if I'm really being honest. I've made my choices, chosen my own path (except in Qui, of course). I could have left at any time.

I still feel somehow that I haven't done enough to atone for the other things I've done - the torture, the work I've done for evils. For who I was before. For who I have become? I don't know.

How can I have a normal relationship with my family when I haven't got a clue what "normal" is? I want to get to know Luthien, but I don't know how. I hurt her every time I turn around, from the looks Mikhael and Lairunya keep shooting me, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong, and I don't know how to correct it.

All I can do is talk to her, I guess, as honestly as I can and deal with things as they come up. If I haven't already (to use Mikhael's words) frightened her off. I'm not trying to - neither frighten nor horrify - but I have a feeling I've done both.

And I'm not sure how to explain, or even if an apology is in order.

The idea of me, of all people, being looked up to by anyone. Or that I was held up as the standard to be met. Weird.

Nefid, early day 6

I came so close to losing everything yesterday: my friends, my so fragile link with my family. So close. Thank the Gods Mikhael was willing to slap some sense into me.

I don't know what to say - I apparently rambled on for some time before going to bed last night. I erred, yesterday, and the depth of the emotion and the potential consequences are much too frightening to think about, though I'd better. It's not thinking that led to this mess. As Mikhael said, just a different kind of slavery. I don't want to be who I was when I left this plane.

I do want to have a good relationship with my family; I want to keep my relationships with my friends in the Company. Despite what Mik seems to think I don't give a damn about my "lone wolf" image - I've reached a point where I've had to admit and accept that I need other people. As I've said in here a couple of times, I don't think I could stand to go back to that rather lonely existence. But I don't have any idea how to deal with having a family (beyond the Company), either.

So. Mik held a mirror up. Let's take a hard look into it. Though I certainly was not thinking of it this way, this display of temper may well have been a pushing away maneuver. I can't keep doing this, even unconsciously. We went over this ground in Kara-tur. I don't really want to push people away, anymore. It was - I was trying to protect myself, but I shouldn't be worried about abandonment anymore. That's what Mikhael was trying to tell me, that night on the porch.

But that's the real problem here, isn't it? I'm scared to death that I'll find my family again - find her again - only to lose them. That somehow none of this will be real. That I'll end up helplessly watching someone slaughter her again. I could not bear that again, to lose someone I love or care for that way.

So yes, Mik's right. I am afraid. I'm just not afraid of what he thinks. I still have nightmares about the sword slicking through her neck, of the forest burning around us. And now of Mik dying as well - though I doubt he'd believe me if I told him so. He may be right about death being ultimately inevitable, but that I can accept. It's death before the proper time. Death by violence. That's what I'm afraid of - not for me, but for those I care about.

And I'm afraid she'll reject me, as well. Mikhael's logical reasons aside, I'm still a torturer, a necromancer. Not exactly glowing character references.

But I digress again. I am afraid. Of finding my family only to lose them again. Of finding my family only to have to chose between them and my friends.

I ought to apologize to Luthien. She may not be sure what for, but still. And I owe the Company an apology as well, though I think I'll do those individually, rather than over breakfast.

Lairunya. I need to talk to him. Deep inside, I knew what I was thinking about was wrong. I must have, because I tried to protect him from picking up the taint of it.

Hell.

Talked to Daniel for a bit this morning. I don't, very often, though that's been more a factor of our professional relationship than anything else.

He's not quite of Mikhael's opinion, but he did point out - rightfully - that Luthien may see a bit of two-facedness in my reaction to the slavers here. I commented that in part my lack of action was due to watching the political footing - not for myself, but for the careers of the others around me (and he immediately called me on it - pointing out that first, I've never cared about politics, (true), and then that I was excusing my lack of action by hiding behind others. Also true. Is it the purpose of our friends to hold up the mirror and make us see our flaws?). So I thought for a moment, then pointed out that it isn't a matter only of disliking what's happening and wanting to do something about it, it's also a matter of coming up with a decent plan to deal with the situation. And, as I am neither a great planner nor foolhardy enough to try the direct route, I have done nothing. As Mik has said, I lack the courage of my convictions.

I think it is more than that, though. It - the slavery issue, I mean - feels more like a personal affront here than it ever has on or in Glenzor. Possibly because it happened to me here. In Glenzor I'm a noble and slavery, though vile and needing to be abolished, seems distant. (Of course, if what Luthien says is true, I'm heir to a Barony here as well. Strange thought).

Daniel also observed that by putting off the idea and the action of retribution I have not sunk to the level of my enemies, but I have managed also to not have to deal with the situation - the slavers, and my feelings about this. That I have, as is usual for me, withdrawn from the problem. (It was here that he commented that Sindaraen and I are not all that different - Sin uses his egocentric outgoingness to evade the deeper issues, and I withdraw to the same end. I was not flattered by the comparison, but I also cannot deny that there is some truth to it.)

The difference here being that I knew that we'd likely end up having to deal with Panther again as soon as he began describing the situation into which he sold Mother. I thought at the time that we were going to have to stay near him - and that offensive were-bat creature - until his "mentor" came to him again. And, yes, it made the whole thing hard to stomach, but I was and am prepared to deal with this man further, if that's what's required to free Mother.

I think part of Daniel's point was that I can't just set my feelings aside, that it's just another way of distancing myself from things. So, fine. I do not like Panther or his men or what they stand for. I would prefer that they, and all their ilk, were wiped from the face of the earth so thoroughly that not even a memory of them remains. But I will work with him if that is what it takes to efficiently complete this mission. To rescue Mother.

And I will also try to remember that these are in fact people - short-lived humans - who don't remember any other way of living because this system has been in place for so very long.

But I do not believe Panther treated his slaves well. The word itself denies that possibility, for it strips all personhood.

Of course, the person I really need to explain all this to is Luthien. Nice to not have one of my companions think I should be able to instantly reconcile with her.

And she's evidently keeping a few secrets of her own, anyway. Daniel says he thinks she's influencing the humans in the group to be friendlier toward her. He said he'd thought about calling her on it, and I said he might want to, since I hadn't had any reason to notice (and I had not noticed, except that Mikhael hasn't been his usual suspicious self where she is concerned. I'd just chalked that up to Mik wanting me to have a link to my family). He seems reluctant, and I think he wants me to do it. I can't think of any way to approach it that won't sound as though I/we don't trust her.

There's also the question of unidentified magic items on both Luthien and Larb (although he isn't quite as large a problem, since most of the items he has look to be Callous'). As Daniel said, we didn't allow Torg into the group without an accounting (though he conveniently forgot to mention his Eyes of the Basilisk). But our paranoia was on high with him: after all, our military superiors were more or less forcing him upon us. And Sindaraen was with the group as well. I'm not so sure that we would have been so demanding if the situation had been different.

Still, Daniel's right. I'll have to come up with a way to ask her.

For all his talk about being too trusting, Daniel's doing a pretty good impersonation of Mikhael right now.

Talked to Lairunya for a bit this afternoon. He claims that his interest was in saving me from myself. I'm not sure I believe him. I'm not sure he believes himself. But I don't have the right to say any more than I did. My own moral compass has been in question lately. Laurie will have to make his own mistakes. I will just try not to lead him into temptation. As I said (and he agreed), Simon does enough of that.