Dinner at Zorbo's tonight. Mikhael has expressed some concern over the formality with which Zorbo is treating us, even so far as to remind me about the last time we received a formal message from someone we knew well, but then he subsided into muttering. I assume he'll insist we take precautions if he thinks it necessary, but I think I'll take a force shapechange just in case.

Mikhael has moved Cassia into the house, in the room across from mine (of course). But she had asked me to work up some "Glenzoran" fashions for her—something she could wear without sweltering. So that's what I spent the day on. Mikhael walked in while I was working on her hem and promptly walked out again, smirking. I almost wish he'd just come out and make the snide comment. Being able to fire back is certainly easier than feeling embarrassed for no good reason.

Later -

Well, Mikhael was absolutely right to be suspicious, as it turns out. He and Callous are putting their heads together right now to try and sort out where we are, why magic doesn't quite work right, and how we're going to get back to Glenzor. We are definitely not on Thion. Even the outrageous heat of the desert there would be preferable to the unreal storybook-like quality of wherever we are.

We arrived at Zorbo's on schedule, to find Zorbo with a servant and sheaves of paper awaiting us in the dining room. The story we were given is that the skeletal hands had started invading the oasis, and were cursing people with loss of sight, sense of smell, hearing &c. and Zorbo had lost his voice. He wanted us to go down and take care of the problem, of course.

We ended up looking at Zorbo with Truesight, which came up an utter null, and I want to know what spell or item allows that effect, and Mikhael tried to locate him with Slither to no avail, all of which Zorbo had explanations for. None of them were quite complete, though, and I finally suggested casting a force shapechange on him. I did not want to do so without either his permission or Mikhael or Daniel's okay, since I wasn't entirely certain it wouldn't hurt him if it was the real Zorbo—he is a druid, after all—Mikhael hesitated, though, and before I could look to Daniel Zorbo changed the subject, saying he could always get someone else if this was too much trouble. As I think about it, this was a ploy guaranteed to work on several members of the Company, myself included.

So ultimately it was decided that Mik, Callous, Simon and I would cross the gate and check it out, and Daniel, Cassia, Lairunya and F‘fellin were to stay with Zorbo and keep an eye on him.

Well, we crossed the Gate lacking some of our more important equipment (such as Callous' armor, and my spellbooks) and, instead of Thion, found ourselves in the ruins of an Orcish city out of a fairy tale, right down to the glory of the setting sun and the warrior framed by it.

I could kick myself for not immediately checking the Gate to be sure we could get back. As it is, we have to wait at least five or six hours before we can try to return, and I do not hold high hopes for the experiment. And, as Mikhael pointed out, we are rather committed to aiding Minjiro.

That is the name of the Samurai waiting on the hill. Callous, playing diplomat, and Mikhael are in agreement on this, and I'm sure they're right. But for the time being, I'm content to play "Lord Mikhael's" bodyguard. Minjiro has asked that we aid him in avenging his wife's death, and in preventing some evil spirit from poisoning the air.

So we wait to see if the Gate re-opens on time. Hopefully the remaining three will go for help when we don't reappear.

September 15

As it turns out, Zorbo was indeed not-Zorbo. Or so Cassia and Lairunya have told us. Evidently he was some sort of Doppelganger-like creature that Cassia has encountered before. They did capture the one mimicking Zorbo, but I will bet the servant was one as well. Whatever they were.

Callous and Mikhael determined late last night that we are probably on the plane that is named Concordant Opposition. Since it is an Outer plane, and one of neutrality, magic works differently. Spells will require one gold piece in addition to whatever material component would usually be consumed, and accessing our extra-planar spaces (astral or ethereal) seems to require about 100 gold.

The upside of this discovery is that Mikhael was able to access his pouches, so we have his spellbooks and supplies at least. And Time also seems to be matching up, as Cassia and Lairunya came through the portal (which both Simon and Cassia report is one-way) on time, twelve hours and some minutes after our own journey. I have no doubt that we will miss our "award" ceremony.

In any event, today has been a day for jumping through portals—and I still cannot believe Lairunya and Cassia were so foolish as to jump through into unknown peril and leave Daniel behind alone. Once the two of them were here we acquainted them with the situation, spent some time sorting through items that would normally be kept in extra-dimensional spaces and set off to aid Minjiro in his quest.

We ended up unearthing a jade box that contained a scintillating scarf which was the entrance to a new plane—the name of which I did not catch—and so through the gate we went. I am guessing at today's date, for we woke refreshed and were greeted by a ki-rin named Shanee, who told us that we did not belong "here" and that we must leave. Our time was not yet, she said, and I had to quash the urge to ask her to tell us something we didn't know. Somehow I didn't think mouthing off to a servant of the Gods was such a good idea.

In any event, Minjiro thrust himself forward and demanded we be led to the dragon-spirit Zie-je-ku (or something like that). She began to walk forward, reluctantly, and led us to a green statue of a coiled dragon with glowing silver eyes, and told us that it was all that was left of the creature we were seeking—"to remind us not to repeat his mistakes."

Before we could ask what his mistakes were, Minjiro stepped forward again, demanding again to be taken to this dragon-spirit; she said again that we did not belong there, and the next thing any of us knew we were flat on our backs in a forest.

Minjiro told us that we were—are—back where we started from. I had hoped we had, maybe, been Dismissed back to Glenzor, but no such luck.

We arrive to the sound of a crying cat. Not precisely what any of us expected, and I decided to check it out.

Given the rather unsettled frame of mind I've been lately I suppose it isn't all that surprising that I was caught off-guard by what we found. A slaughtered group of people (including women and children) who Minjiro dismissed as "peasants," and a tiger cub, still very much alive and wailing in full voice. I could not be calm about what was around us—it was uncomfortably like I had walked into one of my own nightmares—I could feel myself starting to shake. So I focused on the tiger cub, anything but pay attention to what was around us.

Finally coaxed the cub into my arms as Minjiro was saying that he did not care that these peasants had died, only that their death had been dishonorable. His attitude is much like Master Rebbeck's: if you are not of whatever "blood" is proper your life is to be used as your "superiors" see fit, and it really set my teeth on edge.

But he said they were killed by bandits, though his description sounded suspiciously like ogre-magi, and Cassia managed to track them (through the air, very impressive). So we're on their trail, sort of, since they are headed roughly the same direction Minjiro says his ex-wife's village is in. We stopped long enough to burn the bodies, as we did not have time to bury them.

Callous also finally mentioned, since Mik was pressing him on some point or other, that we were probably sent here because Yen-wang-ye (Orcish judge of the Dead) calls it his province. So anyone who dies here is likely to stay dead, and on this plane, forever. Gods of death not being well known for allowing spirits to escape them—I certainly cannot imagine Annubis allowing anyone to leave his domain. I wonder if they are simply facets of each other? I don't think I'll ask Callous—somehow I think he'd find the question blasphemous.

September 16

Miserable dreams last night. I still can't get the stink of burning flesh out of my nostrils.

We encountered the ogre magi "Blue Kumi Bandits" as we were trying to ford a stream. They ambushed us from under the water, and Callous took some heavy hits (we have got to get him some armor) but the combat was over almost before I could get across the river.

It worries me that I cannot restore my curative spells; I am loathe to cast any of what I have memorized, since I am limited to what Mikhael and Lairunya have in their books. One lesson to learn from this, I guess. I'll have to ask Mik if I can store a set of spellbooks in one of his extra-dimensional spaces. But if I re-memorize we won't have any of the "big bang" spells, and where I have great respect for the illusionists' abilities, I know they rely on having damage spells to back them up.

The others have created a pyre—Minjiro says it's the only way to keep the bandits dead. I'm very tired. I'm feeding the cub right now. My having adopted him has started the whole damn familiar argument again. Even if I can take him with me (if we ever get back), even if I choose to bring him along, I'm really not in the market. But I can't convince anyone else of that, that I've brought him along because I like cats. I didn't want to leave him to suffer.

September 17

We're beginning to see the first signs of the poisoning of the air. There's a yellowish cast to the sky, and a faint scent of vanilla.

We're going to die here. PainDealer will have his way in Glenzor. Well, at least I will have the honor of dying in good company, though I wish I could see that the others get back to Glenzor safely. I don't mind this for myself so much—I've always known I would die far from everything familiar to me—but I would be much happier if I could get the other back to those who love them.

I'd also like to know that Daniel is all right, though less for myself than for Mik's sake. He's barely mentioned Daniel since all this started, but every once in a while I see a shadow of ... something ... cross his face. And I must admit, I find the thought of Daniel alone in Glenzor right now very disturbing, though I know he's allies I'm unfamiliar with.

September 18

Weird visions and strange portents. I find myself uncomfortable with the mysticism of this place.

Minjiro has told me that if I am not going to eat the cat I should name it; he says it is bad luck to do otherwise. I trust him to know the ways of his world, and I have a feeling "bad luck" here may be more than an idle threat, but still I find myself reluctant to do so. I prefer to let him discover his own name.

But Simon has put me in the awkward position of almost having to name him after either Minjiro's wife or his youngest daughter. Honoring the dead and all that well-meaning nonsense. I suppose if that's the case I ought to name him after mother, or at least the use-name she took for herself.

Well, I suppose I could name him Asea, leaf, or Az‘, Sunlight, though that's my horse's name. Asea it is, then, though I do feel rather foolish about this.

I don't suppose I'll live long enough for it to really become an issue.

Sometime after midnight but before dawn -

What a strange dream.

I found myself walking down a forest path lined by bamboo. I encountered four figures dressed in gray leather robes, with hoods. They greeted me, calling me Nicholas and bidding me come to them—"Come to us at night, where the sea meets the black sand to reclaim your heritage," they said.

I certainly have no heritage that I can think of to reclaim, other than being a slave. And I absolutely refuse to go back to that.

But there was something familiar about them—nothing I could quite put my finger on. I don't know if I should worry about it or not. Hell, I don't even know if I should speak of this to anyone. Just before I woke the leader (I think) put the first two fingers of his right hand over his lips. Either an injunction to silence or some sort of secret signal, I imagine.

Oh well. At least it wasn't a nightmare. For someone who doesn't dream I've been having an awful lot of them.

September 19

Mikhael and Lairunya have finally put us on Phantom Steeds, though Mik was loathe to do so for fear we would miss one of our signs, like "the mouse with the mind of a man" (but more on that in a moment), and thereby ruin our chances of getting back to Glenzor.

Mik was asking if anything else strange had happened (evidently Simon and Lairunya encountered a singing locust that was using Mikhael as a podium) so I told them about the dream. If it was a gesturing to keep silent then I, too, have failed to follow up properly.

Minjiro says the people I described from my dream sound like the Order of the Mouse, a long-dead group of monks whose ranks were largely made up of orphans, or quiet/introspective sorts. They were known for helping local villagers, dispensing healing or knowledge and so forth. His theory is that I might be a Mouse Shaman of some sort. I suppose I might count as an orphan, though I neither know nor care what Father's fate might be.

We are currently outside the city of Sokijon, having been forbidden to enter because we committed some offense or other.

Mikhael just snapped at me for not focusing on the job at hand, for letting my irritability get in the way, and he's right, but I don't know how to regain that focus. It used to be so simple to push things aside, to deal with them later. Maybe it's just that later has finally come.

September 20

Well, we have undoubtedly incurred whatever penalty was planned for being late to the ceremony, and we've also missed Daniel's birthday. Here's hoping he isn't being punished for our "misbehaviour" again.

Simon has trapped us into fighting a curse-throwing bah-jongg, whatever that is. I must remember to thank him for adding that bit of excitement to what was otherwise shaping up to be a dull week.

Later -

Mikhael asked me to sit with him on watch for a while. He had decided to ask what's been bothering me—started by trying to tell him I didn't know, an untruth he did not even justify with an answer.

I don't remember what I told him, other than that I had been having nightmares/memories since Belgebass, but that I didn't know why.

He ended up pointing out that I have been very ill-tempered with him since Belgebass, which I was unaware of. I don't think he believed that, though. I suggested maybe I was trying to drive him off, which he dismissed as ridiculous, and which I didn't think I meant, but now I wonder. It would make a perverse sort of sense, wouldn't it? I can't—won't -- leave these people who have become my family, but if they leave me ... crazy.

I apologized for my uneven temper (which Mikhael described as "like a fireball going off") and made him a promise that I would not explode at him for petty things.

He said something else that I had not thought about before, something that I have no idea how to apply, but that makes sense anyway. He said that putting the past behind you is not the same as trying to forget it ever happened. I'm not sure I agree, but I am certain that he's right about my needing to let go, since I'm not going back to deal with the situation. I don't know how to get back there, and even if I did I don't know if I could ever get over my fear of the place. Surely the system has not changed, but where I would dearly love to eradicate it I am sure it is so ingrained that something similar would take its place. I don't even know if I have the immunity to the drug I once had, and I do not ever want to fall into that trap again. Nor do I wish to lead Laurie or Simon into it. I only wish I knew how to let go. I'm so used to getting something in my teeth and then worrying at it until I have no doubt that it's dead.

I suppose the first step is to say okay, these things happened and they were very bad, but they are over, and then learn to accept that as fact. But where will that leave me? Walking through a battlefield as though it were a rose garden, like Lairunya does? No, I can't imagine that.

Mikhael is right (as he is so often). We do both deal with our problems by running away, and as much as he has been forced to deal with things head-on it is about time that I forced myself to do the same. My people are here, now, not in the past, and where not even the most powerful Wish could prevent my eventually losing them to death I can stand by them and fight for and with them and live, until the unwelcome inevitable occurs.

40 years is an awfully long time to brood about things that can't be changed, isn't it.

September 21

Tried to turn into Dark Femir form after the battle with the bah-jongg, found the whole experience very viscerally unpleasant, but where I could have (I think) completed the change, I could not have shifted into a snake at all. Mouse shaman. Fuck this "higher destiny" bullshit.

After the fight, Cassia and I set off to try and hunt. I polymorphed into a gryphon, since she's accustomed to hunting airborne. We found some boar tracks, but they had been crossed by a person. Cassia said the tracks indicated they had been walking with a staff and wearing a robe, so we veered off to follow them. We heard monkeys chattering and saw three monkeys in a tree, who jumped off their limb after looking at us and vanished.

Cassia found their pat through the trees, but we lost them. I was once again impressed by her tracking skills.

Mikhael says they failed a "poetry" test while we were gone. Evidently a ladybug landed on Mikhael's shoulder and tried to get him involved in a "linked haiku."

Nic's fragmentary notes from September 23—October 18

September 23

Black sand beach.

Heard voices inside my head: "Zai Jekku can be destroyed, if the jade statue can be destroyed his spirit can be made mortal. The statue can be destroyed with the copper hammer of Ho te o.

Go to Kata-ki.

Stay here nights if I wish to attain higher levels of training.

September 24

Going to continue the training

September 27

Training is now completed -

I can detect poison, and can change minds with a mouse (any mouse) for an indefinite length of time. While I am a mouse my body will be "protected," and I will still be myself—my mind, my health, my defenses—but I will not radiate as magical because I have effectively possessed the mouse. I can change back to my body as long as I am within 100 feet of it.

And I will be disliked by serpentine creatures, since the enemies of the Order of the Mouse were the Order of the Snake. There's no surprise there.

September 28

Arrived at Kata-kai this evening. The largest township we have seen so far. We were not greeted by a shoya.

2 sculptures: woman, dog, parrot, monkey carved out of wood; granite fat monk with a sack over his shoulder—looks like he should be supporting himself on his staff, but the staff (the "hammer") is missing, and the statue's thumb has been broken off.

OshKoshiTanan is the Shoya of this place.

Bath servants everywhere, all female and "eager to please."

The woman is the honorable all-knowing Oe Urha, champion of Kata-kai and champion of knowledge.

The man is Ho te o, the founder of the town.

Mik thought Minjiro looked like SkinEater while we were in the baths—it may just be that he'd been drinking very heavily, but I don't see any reason to take chances. I'll keep a close eye on him, though I agree with Mikhael: either way, casting a forced shapechange on him will probably be a bad idea.

September 29

Mik & Simon both woke up with hangovers. Simon claimed he was going to "play puppet" with Mikhael so I violated the Scintillating Company's gentleman's agreement and Color Sprayed him. I then ended up baby-sitting while the others went out hunting the Blue Kumi bandits who had stolen the hammer from the statue.

They've just returned with word that they found both the bandits and Oe Urha

September 30

Battle with the bandits, then with the carp that was living in the pond where the bandits had dropped the hammer. I think I may have inherited Mikhael's suicidal tendencies. He keeps giving me dark looks; he's convinced the success of this mission rests entirely on my shoulders.

October 4

Met Oe Uhra and rode her tigers to a "safer place." Mik kept falling off.

She had information on Qui (the plane where Zai Jikku's statue is located), but in order to get that information she wanted us to help her get rid of the Blue Kumi Bandits—surprise, surprise. But, her monkey has been having visions that we were help for her dilemma. So, we waste more time doing her errand. Damn it, I want to be at home. The bandits are located 2-3 days away by tiger, so probably 1-2 days by Steed.

October 11

Destroyed the statue, after some debate about whether it would be the right thing to do or not. Jade dust swirled everywhere, and then we were back in Kara-tur. At least we wake fresh.

October 12

Flock of black geese flying northeast, which is the same direction we're going. Probably of no consequence, but all this prophecy and whatnot has us seeing signs everywhere.

October 13

We have a small boy traveling with us, and he had a spirit butterfly. It and Mikhael exchanged haikus and then it said, "There is a doorway in Qui. Look for the scarf in the marble palace of Zai Jikku where the stream enters the Jofusu Mountains." And then expired.

October 14

We were attacked by seven serpent ninja this evening—I don't regret keeping a watch, but I would rather not have had to combat. Almost lost Fefellin, although none of the Company were in danger, and that's not a good thing. Perhaps it's time to retire her to a lower-level party since we are so often in areas and fighting opponents against whom she is relatively useless.

October 15

Reached hills. Mikhael has decided that we are doing too much bickering—not that this is either a surprise or unusual—but I am just as sick and tired of his attitude. We all want to go home, but Mikhael isn't helping by his sudden resistance to the direction fate is forcing us.

October 16

In the mountains, now. Reached Ooshirilin, which was devastated by the attack of the gold-lame ninja. There is the reek of Mummy Rot everywhere. Mummy Monks? We are over a barrel for sure this time.

My masters?

We were given a special scroll that might protect us.

October 18

Fought more of the gold lame ninja/monks. Callous was able to turn them, but they were backed by the dragon himself. We will attack him tomorrow.

October??

Finally back to Glenzor—Daniel says he's got a plan for how we can get through our meeting with PainDealer intact, but he doesn't want to explain until we're all back up to par.

The final battle was BAD. Mikhael was taken out by Zai-Jikku when he appeared, and I went down not long after, but there's an ache and a panic there I'd much prefer to forget. Daniel also has not handled the loss well; in fact, he's so doting he's become obvious, and I don't know how long the others will continue to miss the signs.

Mikhael does so hate to be laughed at. I must remember to apologise to him for doing exactly that.

Part of me wants to go back to Llanru, or to go anywhere but here. And yet, I must stand by these people who are my friends, and do anything in my power to keep them alive. I do not think I could bear to go through this again.

October 31

Well, we made it through the debriefing with no casualties (barely. I have to agree with Mikhael: watching one's companions and enemies losing limbs left and right is not good at all). We've received our awards and the official (permanent) conferral of our ranks, we've re-enlisted (No real surprise there) (except Simon) and we've got about two months of R&R. Now, if we can only avoid getting entangled in any plots I may finally get some research done.

Mikhael has been strangely melancholy since the awards ceremony. In part because of the high fatality rate in the combat with the dragon, I think, and also because Daniel has been very busy and unable to see him. But there seems to be something more bothering him, and I wish I knew what it was or how to help him.

Lairunya is talking about going off to Dorokka, taking Simon with him, so I don't suppose this will be much of a quiet break after all. He seemed disappointed when I said I would not go, but I'm really not interested. They may do whatever they want up there, so long as they do not hurt me and mine. I have spell research to conduct that I have put off for far too long.