Well, Mikhael was right. His news wasn't quite what I expected. But then, I don't think my response was what he expected, either. I've said a number of things in the past that were cruel, unmeaningly, to him.

So much makes sense now; his reluctance to let Daniel out of his sight, his insistence on the love question (and now I do wish that I had dared answer that with complete honesty. I should always remember that lying isn't easier.), his response to my question about settling down, his empathy for Ebrian...so many cues I might have picked up on before. Like his insistence that I shake hands with Daniel and start over. Not that I really minded doing so, not that I dare admit that to anyone except Mikhael.

I should have known the "What's your definition of love" question was loaded.

I have to admit, to have Mik admit love for Daniel was disconcerting÷surely I would not have thought it possible had someone else come to me with the news. I would not have credited it. Of course, I would likely have chalked it up to lust. Before this I don't know that I could have believed a man could truly love another man. Not truly, damn the ballistas I'd rather lose everything than never be with this person again love. Not between men. Not even Oras and Naddath convinced me of that.

But this is different. Mikhael...he was so close to tears with needing and hoping and hating and fearing...I do believe he may prove me wrong, about my stated theory of "love," anyway.

And as he said, this doesn't make him queer. Maybe Oras was right÷he certainly seems to be in this case÷maybe love is more about the person and less about what sort of shell the person comes in. And as far as that goes, Mik could do much worse than a person like Danny. He's loyal and honest and honorable and sympathetic and all in all they seem appropriate for each other.

He was so afraid of being compared to his brother, who was, from what little I know about him, a man much like Master Rebbeck. It would be very much a false comparison, though I never would have thought to hear myself say that. But Mik is so unlike that man...I cannot imagine Mikhael ever doing to anyone what was done to me÷the very idea would turn his stomach. I can tell that from how he speaks of his brother, let alone from just knowing him. Nor can I picture Daniel acting in such a manner. In fact, I do not think I have ever met a person who could do any of those things, except Master Rebbeck. And falling in love with Daniel is hardly going to change Mik so drastically.

I can see why he thought I would leave, though. My comments toward Daniel and Lairunya and others like them have hardly been kind in the past. I suppose I understand, but I couldn't leave. Unless the whole ridiculous story about Scorn had been true. I admit, I never thought about this as a possibility before, but it doesn't change Mik. It can't. The only thing that can change is my perception of Mik, and I refuse. I refuse to let that evil man taint my relationship with people who are NOTHING like him.

I don't know why he thought I would laugh, though. This isn't funny. I just hope Daniel is as serious about this as Mikhael is.

I don't know why he thought I would flee÷I don't know where he thought I would go. I have begun to feel accepted here, in a way that I never have before, and this friendship with Mikhael really is more important than anything else I can think of. Though I dare not suggest this to him I do feel a bit like we're a family, and I cannot conceive of abandoning that. Not with a better reason than this, and even then I am not certain I could bring myself to leave. I do not know where I could go that the cold loneliness that was once such a part of me would not return. I don't think I could live like that, and no-one could ever replace the friends I have here. It will be bad enough when I begin to lose them to Time.

I am certainly willing to continue sharing a house with Mik, even if things do work out for the best. Even without seeing him every day it is good to know he is here. To know that I am not living alone. Unless, of course, they decide that my living here is unwelcome. I truly hope that does not become truth÷but I will burn that bridge when I come to it, I expect.

I really do wish I'd been more honest in my answer on love, written "I don't know what it is." But I find intangibles so difficult to deal with, and besides, I do so hate to be pressured into things. But I don't know what I think love is÷all I know is that I want to believe in it so badly that I'm afraid to. My emotions run so strong I'm afraid if I believed in love it might happen to me÷and then I would truly be crippled. Much as I am when anger or fear run too close to the surface.

From what I have seen so far I think Mikhael (and Daniel) might just end up changing my mind. I hope so÷it would be pleasant to finally see him really happy.

I do wish Mik weren't so hung up on the material. I think he is bringing more than he realizes into the relationship. And Daniel wanted this long before Mikhael had any of these material things. Maybe he's right. Maybe I can't understand. Maybe my disbelief in love disqualifies me from ever comprehending. But I'm glad we had the talk, and I understand that he is really hurting over this. I just wish I knew for sure that I was able to help. And I hope to Horus that I haven't done our friendship irreparable harm÷if this doesn't work out for the best he will need a friend. If I can play sympathetic ear for Lairunya, the least I can do is give Mik the real thing.