November 20, 3042

Nicholas came into the lab today and tried to grill me. I jested and deflected and shouted and refused, and now I know what happens when the irresistable force meets the immovable object. They both get really frustrated. But I simply can't talk to him about this. Tyr knows I wish I could. He thinks ... I believe that Nicholas thinks that I'm in some kind of physical or political danger from outside÷that I'm being threatened, somehow. He ended up telling me that he was serving up guilt for dinner, and damn him for being right. I know how much it must strain him to pry into my business, and even to admit that he's doing so as a friend who's concerned about my health÷but what am I supposed to do? Tell him and then lose him as a friend? I don't want to do that.

I mentioned that I was going to go away for vacation to Danny÷said I might teleport to Arthinon. He seemed horrified at the thought of my teleporting÷even threatened to forbid me, as my commander! I think he's afraid I'd deliberately misteleport. I would. So I asked him what he was doing, and I think we ended up agreeing to take a coastal ride up north together. I guess ... I guess if I'm going to tell him at all, it will have to be then. If.

He did up thanking me for the roses. I know he likes blue roses, but they're elven, so of course I'm not going to find any here. I think I'll ask Fea to mail me some, if she is in the elven lands. Surely he'd have to realize what I'm trying to say then, wouldn't he?

And then all hell will break loose.

I hope this is finished, with Nicholas. I think÷think÷that I've managed to convince him that my crime is something else entirely (and too vile to write here, Tyr knows; at least it should stop him from asking!