November 11

Glenzor÷time to sit down and update this. It's not that I haven't had the time; I just haven't had the inspiration. This journal seems increasingly futile. I'd started it as a record of places I'd been, money I'd spent, people I'd met÷all that stuff I usually end up forgetting. Then it grew into a sort of confidante, I guess, someplace to work out my problems. Now that they're all worked out, though÷it seems like there's not much use in continuing, except, I guess, for the original reason again, to take notes in. I mean, I know what my troubles are now, and what my options are... [...]

I asked Nicholas to go clean out my lab for me, so he did ... I just wasn't certain I trusted myself in there with all my old drugs. I really am trying to keep clean, because I promised Daniel ... and I know that if I lapse, he'll be disappointed. I haven't broken a promise yet, but this one has to be one of the tougher ones I've ever (been forced) to make. [...]

So, I have the night to myself÷probably have dinner with Nicholas, who also looks relieved to be back in Glenzor. I think that he÷like me÷appreciates a break from the constant pressure of others all the time. It's good to get a chance to spend a day or two away from the rest, able to think without interruption. He's come through the resurrection better than I had feared; in fact, he almost seems comfortable. I was afraid he'd break down, or grow cold and distant again, or whatever÷but he's even talking about visiting his old housekeeper, Myra! He really has changed a lot since I last knew him. I wonder what happened in those years he was gone, to crack his shell like that? Whatever it was, it's all for the better. I wonder how long he'll stick around here. He's welcome to stay here with me as long as he likes÷it's good to have someone to talk to once in awhile, rather than being all alone in this huge mansion.

I suppose that it won't last, of course. Eventually Nicholas will figure out what I'm hiding, and come to loathe me. I think that that's what will hurt the most; I think I could take almost anything else. But if he decides I've betrayed him, too, what will he do? Where will he go? I'm not looking forward to seeing that look of horror and disgust on his face; the same one I've seen him give Laurie, the one that seems to scream, "You fucking sick faggot!" right out. I don't want that. I don't want any of this. I just don't see a way out. I've been checkmated, and no matter which move I make next, I'm going to die.

But not until I've discharged all my responsibilities to everyone else. I owe that much to them. I'll do my best for Lairunya, even though I can't help but think, sometimes, that I'm aiding my enemy. Not that he's really an enemy÷not that he even knows he opposes me. But ... I've been trying to brace myself for months now, waiting for the day he manages to seduce Danny. This trip will only help his cause, I think÷Danny's such a bleeding heart, how can he resist comforting the tragic, stricken hero of this piece? And me? I don't dare do anything to interfere. I have to help Lairunya, even if it means watching him win.

I might as well cast in my lot with SkinEater. It can't possibly harm me, because I won't live to see him finally force me into a place where I'll have to confront him.

It's impossible, living like this. I wish I had the time to try to sort everything out÷but we're so rushed all the time! I'd like to get Danny and Lairunya apart a while, to have enough time to figure out how I can possibly escape this trap I'm in! I wish I could talk this over frankly with someone, just get it off my chest ... how many times have I been tempted to spill it all to Nicholas, surrender myself to his judgment? If it were anything else, I would. If it were anything else, I could expect that he'd do his best to help me. But not this. Hell, I suppose that if it were anything else, I could deal with it on my own. And I can't talk to Callous about it÷I don't think he'd understand. Orcs look down on faggots. And of course, I can't discuss it with Laurie, even if I felt I trusted him enough to bring it up. Fea's no good÷she'd end up broadcasting it all over Glenzor, and I can't imagine she could give me any useful advice, anyway, not with her choice of men. Morshasha despises me, anyway. Zorbo just isn't a good enough friend; I have no idea what he'd say.

I'm almost tempted to go down and talk to the Blue Mage. I think he knows Danny, and I can't imagine that the two would ever have been lovers. See, Aspin, maybe, but the Blue Mage seems too ... distant. Maybe I could talk to him, get his advice. Tyr knows, I'm ready to try anything, at this point.

÷But why fool myself? Tomorrow I'm going to go work for SkinEater, and that'll keep me occupied for a few days. And then we'll all get together to go to Dorakka, and there I'll be, rushed off again, in the same quandary, no better than before.