My Dearest Lairunya—

Ai, my little brother, it pains me to hear such agony in your voice! I do not know what I can do to relieve it—I doubt I can really do anything, but I will share my thoughts with you. Perhaps it will help you to know the mind of another in the same situation.

Laurie—you must follow your heart! I understand it is not easy, especially now. I too am torn between my loyalty to my friends and our people! But I think we must both stop worrying about who will call us traitor, and stand by our actions and decisions—good or bad.

At first I was horrified by the war and afraid that Glenzor had signed its own death warrant to get involved. But when Arthinon did not join Sillmarill... I must continually remind myself that our people—our 'peaceful, wise, noble' people—started this war. Whether it was blindly stubborn pride or sheer madness makes little difference in the end. Enough elves wanted this war or it wouldn't've happened. They have gotten themselves—and all of us—involved. So the blame is squarely on their shoulders. I admit I am greatly disappointed in our people because of this stupid, prideful war. They should not have started it if they were not certain of victory—and with the resources Glenzor can draw on now, they elders and lords should never have let it start at all!

I am not ashamed to defend Glenzor from any aggressor - but now that the tides have shifted, our position is more difficult. I too wish I had never heard of S--- C--- and must admit I only participated to aid the Company. It was the most grim experience of my life (and that is saying something).

Yet can I be entirely faulted—or can you—for standing by those we love, who have earned our most sincere loyalty—who have become our family? I say "no." No group—no government, no race, no religion—will ever supersede that bond. If it were not for this hideous war, there would be no conflict.

I too cannot bear the thought of orcs ransacking our homeland—we may have chosen lives elsewhere, but Sindamir will always be home, too. I am doing everything in my power to preserve our culture—therein lies much of the conflict in my own heart; for our people brought this on themselves; and I would remain loyal to my friends and adopted home if it did not threaten our very culture—part of our selves and souls—and I take great solace in knowing that Arthinon will not fall to the brutes. If I should ever have to choose between all elves and elven culture, and my other loyalties—well, I think Mik would understand that such a choice is too much to ask, and would not ask it of me. I feel it would be akin to asking me to choose between two parts of myself—everything I was before I left home and everything that makes me an elf, or everything I have been since leaving home and everything that makes me uniquely myself.

Herein lies the agonizing, impossible conflict of our hearts!

But we are not being asked to make the all-or-nothing choice. It is painful and wrenching and wretched, though, to be asked to make even this lesser choice. I have heard Mik say that fence-sitting is more dangerous, for then both sides can fire at you. But I have found that, for me, the "fence" does not exist. I will not—I cannot—"choose a side" as others define them.

I must stay on my side; and by that I mean I cannot be other than who and what I am: I am an elf and a Glenzoran; I am a sister, a mother, a wife, and a friend; I stand by my friends who have become my family; I stand by my brothers and cousins who have become my friends.

I am not on the side of the elves—I will not stand by those who started this bloody war. I am not on the side of the orcs—I will not stand by and let barbarism destroy refinement, beauty, and wisdom which it can neither appreciate nor comprehend. These things are too big—too much—and either one must ask me to tear out half my heart and deny it, curse it, revile it. That I cannot do and remain whole!

So I will remain Fea: imperfect, divided, but still wholly myself.

I think you must do the same or go mad. I cannot tell you who you are—and it is sometimes hard to know. For all my impassioned speech, I doubt—I wonder if I've done the wrong thing. I'm not always sure if this is who I really am—or who I really want to be. But I can't undo the past and would not "remake" myself, if such is even truly possible.

So there it stands. I hope it has been of some help to you to hear my thoughts on this matter. Be thankful you do not have the added complication of children to care for and tend—for I find that I must continually think also of them and what is best for them in the long term—and so many times I simply do not know which will prove the best course!

But let your heart rest easy, dear brother, that although my little ones may not carry on the family name, they are still Telperins. And I am determined that they will have every benefit available in Arthinon—that they will grow up among elves and elven beauty, wisdom, and learning. So the family shall continue. (I, at least, have not given up hope that, in time, you or Draug will produce an heir to carry on the family name.) I cannot yet say what will become of that land and city that was our birth cradle, but even should the worst occur, it will not wholly die as long as we live to remember it and immortalize that which is best about it.

I am working to save all the innocents and all the aspects of our culture that I can. All that we care about may find a safe home in Arthinon—and if needs be it will, even if I must begin to transport things and people myself!

All will not be lost—this terrible time will pass. You must keep telling yourself that; I have found it a useful mantra. I think it important, now, that we each accept our feelings and act.

As I have said, it matters not to me what Glenzor or Sillmarill might say or think about me—ultimately I am the one who must live with my decisions—not them. Really, such matters are between an elf and his or her god.

Well, I am afraid I have been rambling on for long enough. I will continue to work to salvage and save Sillmarill and its people, while remaining a Glenzoran. And Mik can accuse me of fence-sitting until he turns blue!

You might want to talk to Nicholai about any fence-crossing ideas you consider. I am willing to bet that he will, well, I don't know that he'll every agree with me on philosophy or principle, but I know him well enough to believe his own principles have led him to similar conclusions...

Also, the assistance I rendered at S--- C--- must be kept highly discreet for the sake of the children. Do be careful and I hope to have been of some small help. Good luck, and may you find as much peace of mind and heart as you are able in these trying times. You have only to call if you need me!

Yours Always,

Fea